Clean
by Dark Wings Of Imagination
Summary: "Perhaps, she came to that conclusion later on, it wasn't her element after all. For twelve years of her life everything was about her work, but her work was where he was, everywhere she went he was – whether literally or figuratively. For twelve years her life had been about him."


**One Shot: Clean**

Author: Dark Wings Of Imagination.

Genre: Angst

Rating: T (for language)

Summary: "Perhaps, she came to that conclusion later on, it wasn't _her_ element after all. For twelve years of her life everything was about her work, but her work was where he was, everywhere she went he was – whether literally or figuratively. For twelve years her life had been about him."

 _A/N: Although I'm aware this kind of has the same vibe as 'Can't Go Back' it's not related to it. I must warn you there's no happy ending here. It was inspired by Taylor Swift's song 'Clean'. Not beta-ed, all mistakes are mine, please forgive me for any and all grammar errors, it's past 1:00am and it's not easy to type when the only light on your keyboard is the one from the screen. Hope you all enjoy this._

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When Olivia Benson imagined – years prior – her or her partner leaving SVU she always thought it would have to do with the fact it was time for retirement – something both of them would probably push for as much time they could – or as it was a risk that came with the job, getting shot and never making back again – and that was something she had feared every day for twelve years.

She had never expected though for him to retire earlier - he wasn't that kind of guy – but when you shoot a girl around the same age of one your daughters, she supposed it was understandable. What was not understandable, though, was letting your partner behind as well.

Their partnership had never been easy. He was stubborn and so was she. He was a father of five, she was a child of rape – the cases would always hit home some way, and sometimes being on a different page about a case was enough to ignite arguments that would most of the time hurt more than they would ever admit.

During twelve years and too many disagreements only once did Olivia ever question how much more their partnership could take and that was the Gitano case. She still remembered every single thing that happened between them whilst working on that case – all the sleepless hours the bitterness and tiredness in their voices whenever they spoke, the resentment towards each other after that faithful moment in the station where he went to her aid and the boy was taken.

The days that followed were the hardest, and those moments in the warehouse where Gitano held a gun to Elliot's head and she couldn't do a thing – unless she considered risking her partner's life by taking a shot, and she wouldn't – that was definitely the worse they had been through their partnership. Eventually they got through it.

Once they had overcome it she thought they came out stronger than ever, and she believed it until the day Cragen told her he had turned his papers in. It felt like a blown to the head.

She had been so sure he would come back, that the only reason he didn't show nor answered her calls was because he needed sometime alone – and she understood it. She was certain the he would return to the Squad and they would overcome it together, like they had done a million times before.

When the Captain delivered her the news her whole world shattered. She felt lost, she didn't know how to function very well without him around and add to the fact that he didn't even talked to her over the phone soon enough she began to feel like a fish out of water in what used to be her element – her work and her workplace.

Perhaps, she came to that conclusion later on, it wasn't _her_ element after all. For twelve years of her life everything was about her work, but her work was where he was, everywhere she went he was – whether literally or figuratively. For twelve years her life had been about him.

She had always known their partnership and relationship was complex but before his permanent absence she had never realized how toxic it actually was.

He was her partner, work colleague, they depended on one another to keep each other on their feet and safe, however it became so much more than that – if she got sick he would try and take care of her the best he could, whenever he fought with his wife she would offer him her couch and support, when she was framed and went to jail he did anything to get her out of there, if his kids needed help she did her best, if a suspect got violent he would step in, when his wife couldn't miss an OBGYN appointment and he couldn't make it she took her.

In the midst of their hectic and crazy lives they were each other's stability, and when she looks over it and analyzes it she realizes _it was just so fucked up_ , because when you come to think of it he had never really needed her how she did him – he was married, had beautiful kids and a wife who all loved him very much - and in the end leaving her was so easy he did it without thinking twice and she was left to learn how to live her life without him in it.

It was not easy – she didn't expect it would – but slowly she got the hang of things, and day after day as she focused where she needed most – name it her work – it all became less painful. It took her years, though, to get to the point where the mention of him did not hurt or brought back all their their memories – good or bad.

So when, almost five years later he appears wanting to talk it takes everything on her not to throw herself at him. He asks to meet her for coffee and she agrees because no matter what she still wants some kind of closure for the way it all happened.

When she gets where they agreed to she easily spots him seated in a corner booth, a coffee mug in between his hands, as his eyes wander over the window, as she sees him sigh it almost feels like nothing happened – it almost feels as if they were the same people. _Almost._

When she slips in the booth, sitting in front of him, she knows that everything changed, though. They are not the same, and never would be again, there was too much distance; too much they've been through in their time apart that cannot just be forgotten.

She lets him talk, lets him say everything he wished and went there to. He apologizes for leaving and for every bad thing he may had said or done in their years together. He talks about the day he shot the girl and how he felt after it happened and he confesses that of the reasons he took the shot was because he was afraid of bullet getting her.

He says that at first the only reason he didn't answer her calls was because he needed time to think and that when he decided to turn in his papers it was because he couldn't do it anymore, he couldn't pretend to choose between his job and his partner when he knew he would always choose her.

"It's not your fault" he says before she can decide that he is trying to blame her for his problems, and he means it and can see he does – having learned how to read him so many years before, something that had not changed.

She tries to translate it to her world and after some time she thinks she can understand, he senses that and is glad she is giving him the chance to explain everything. He tells her then that the reason why he didn't reach out to her was because he felt like he didn't know how anymore.

He finishes asking her for a chance to start over. Be friends again. A chance for them to fully have what they denied themselves all those years: each other.

She almost takes it, it's so tempting, even more so when what he is offering is what she wanted for so long, a shot on them. _A shot on us,_ she considers and the way he reaches out to take her hand in his makes her feel like her walls are tumbling down, but before she could place her hand over his she pulls it back suddenly remembering how hard it all was, and so before he can protest she is leaving.

Once she is out she looks back at the shop and sees his confused face she almost goes back, but the same background voice that had her out there it's back and taking a deep breath she fully steps in the chilly New York atmosphere and makes her way home.

When she wakes up the following morning she realizes that even though seeing him was overwhelming it was not enough to send her spiraling down that way anymore.

She was finally clean of Elliot Stabler.

END!


End file.
